Today was a day of many up’s and down’s. Mom was set to have her pacemaker put in some time today. The doctor saw her last night and was going to work on her today. He was hoping to get her in this morning.
I went to work knowing that I was going to leave when Dad called me. At about noon today I went to church and left my phone on. Dad did not call until after work, I went right over to the hospital. My dad, grandma and my aunt Toni where there. Mom went in at about 2:45 pm and the doctor came out at about 8 pm by that time my sister had gotten there. When the doctor came out and had great news. They were able to put everything that they needed to get in her. “Aka one less surgery” We all went up to her room in the ICU. There was lots of tears, that were happy tears. A lot of stress was let go and it all come out in tears. The three of us left her after 9.
At the beginning of trying to move forward, I told myself that if I could write a letter to the Doctor that hurt me. I would know that I have been able to process the whole thing. It would be even better if I could use his name in the letter. Well it’s been 5 years cents I stopped the abuse. It’s been 4 years that I spoke for all the other people that he hurt that could not speak up for them selfs for one reason or another.
I have only been able to come up with this.
I have to tell you that you have hurt me so much and you have changed my life forever. I will never for give you for what you have done to me and my family. I have gotten to the point were I am able to say that. . .
After this point I just can’t write any more. I start to cry and feel like he is still abusing me. Maybe I will be able to write more next year.
All the EMDR that I do every week is starting to work.
I am able to write a bit more then I could last year.
This past week I was going to be going up to the cabin for the first time. Well that is not what happened. I’m ok about not going up north but my family and I have had so much to take in this past week. My mom has been in ICU for about a week now. It’s been so hard for me and my sister but for my dad it’s been even harder to see him look like he has just lost a part of him. She is in the best care I know that and I know my family knows that. It’s just so hard to see her in a room and not be able to talk to any of us. She had to get her pacemaker out because something was wrong in the place where it was. She had an infection. Because of the infection they have not put anything back in side of her. (I really don’t know all the ins and outs of the pacemaker). She is making progress every day and getting better. It’s still hard to know that I can’t just pick up the phone and call her.
I am writing this post to just tell everyone how much I love my mom. How much it hurts to see her laying down in a bed and not be able to talk to us when we come in. I have said this on my face book page and I will say it again.
I believe in God. I know he has plans for me and my family. But I need my mom so much, so can you please, let her guide me still here on earth, for a long time.
I did it, I got through this day. I know that I need to look at this day as just any day for me. So for this year I have faced this day and it’s one more year down and out. I know that this day is the day that I said that I was talking for those who could not. If anyone out there had been abused from this doctor and could not speek for them selfs I was the one that would do it. I am a “Soukup” and my family will not take anything lying down. It was something that my family has instilled in me. I never thought that I would still be hurting from this one thing in my life that was over 4 years ago. So as I said at the beginning one more year down and out. I will keep trying to get past this very hard time in my life.
It’s been a hard day, I have a big thing that will be coming up on Sunday. It will be four years that I took the stand to tell my side of the story on how a doctor hurt me. I really thought I would be better then I am now. It’s been four very long and hard years to get myself to were I am. Yet, I feel like because who I am, I should be past feeling sorry for myself. The feelings have been all over the place today and I can just see myself on Sunday being feeling like I didn’t do all that I could do. I am hoping that it will be nice out because I would like to take a walk around a lake.
There is a part of me, that still blames me for not telling my story so that 12 people could take away the license from this doctor. I know that I did my part to helping others for a year. However, what is he doing now. He has his license again and who is he hurting right now.
I have been working so hard In EMDR for the past years and it’s very hard to sit here and hear that I have come so far. I still have to keep telling myself to say thank you even when i don’t believe it. I really think that with out EMDR I would still be in the same spot were I was right after the trial. I know I still need to work on my self confidence. I think that will be one of the things that I’m going to work on this coming up year.
Oh yes, there is a bit more bad news in the world of me. One of my Doctors is going to be retiring, so that is just one more thing that I need to work on is finding a new doctor.
So now I need to end this post with something good. So with in this past four years I have made some great friends. I sill talk to some people that I have had to meet when the trial was going on. It’s nice to be able to tell them all the good things and all the bad things. I get to be me!!
I have not been able to write like I use to be able to write when I first started this blog. When I was younger I blogged as a new way to tell my story. I was still very young and I didn’t really know what I was doing. As time has changed and life keeps moving forward. I have found other ways to talk, share, live, and love me. the first things is that I did start a new blog and I think that if you like reading this one you will love to see what I do on the other blog. The other blog is “One thought one picture” you can find it here. Through the past months I have been working on this blog. I have found a way to still do something that I like and keep my mind on not just work or things that drag me down. I think it has helped me in more ways that doing something that I love.
At this time though I will be able to tell you in my everyday life I am doing much more then just working and going to appointments and I love it. With the boyfriend working just a little bit more I have had to take on much more then what I would have done in the past. I have found that I love to cook. I have been able to make some of my mom’s recipes things that bring me happy memories from still living at home.
I also got really sick this past winnter. I mean really sick I had to stay at home for a week. I thought I was going out of my mind with the staying at home. Even doing that I was starting to remember when I was in the High School band and if one person went down we all went down. Life was hard when I was young, NOT.
I am also going through some changes in my own life. As my mom would say and some of the doctors say growing pains
Here is a good question for my friends and readers. I would like to get a e-reader for reading out side. When I go up to the lake I would like to be able to sit out side and listen to my book or read it. I don’t need anything for movies or games. I have my I pad and even if I need it I have my I phone that has 3G. ;
So here is what I would like:
read out side
able to use my audible account
High light the words on the page so that my eyes get use to seeing the words
Not a lot of money
So now that you see what I’m looking for, what can I find? Can you help me find the right e-reader?