Category Archives: trial

It’s been 5 years

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At the beginning of trying to move forward, I told myself that if I could write a letter to the Doctor that hurt me. I would know that I have been able to process the whole thing. It would be even better if I could use his name in the letter. Well it’s been 5 years cents I stopped the abuse. It’s been 4 years that I spoke for all the other people that he hurt that could not speak up for them selfs for one reason or another.

I have only been able to come up with this.

Dear Dr,

I have to tell you that you have hurt me so much and you have changed my life forever. I will never for give you for what you have done to me and my family. I have gotten to the point were I am able to say that. . .

After this point I just can’t write any more. I start to cry and feel like he is still abusing me. Maybe I will be able to write more next year.

GOOD POINTS

All the EMDR that I do every week is starting to work.

I am able to write a bit more then I could last year.

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think back 15 year

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I have been looking on-line at some dear and old friends. They all have kids and have family’s of their own. It got me to thinking about what was I doing 15 years ago. Lets see I would have been 20 years old. I was living with my parents still. We were living in Arizona at the time. I was going to college still. Life was good to me 15 years ago.

A lot has changed in 15 years. The whole family moved to a new state, a very cold state “Minnesota”  Both Mom and Dad have been able to be with their family now that they are home. My sister and I have now really been able to see were all the family stories took place. I got done with my 2 year degree, it took 5 years to get but I was the first one to get it.  I am not living at home anymore. I think that the parents moved right after I moved out. I have moved 2 more times. I am working at a bank. Something I have always wanted to do. I have made it through 13 years of winters in this state. I have been able to see my sister bring home the one and only nephew and I would not change that at all. I have 3 nieces to call me TIA. So the family of 4 now is a bigger family that I love very much. I have been able to do things that I thought I would not ever been able to do. Like drive myself to the cabin many times. I have been driving in to Minneapolis  for 8 years now. I have a very loving and great boyfriend now. He has been a part of my life for a long time. I have also had to over come many things that has changed me in more ways than one. I think there are a few very big ones that will have altered my life for ever. Here are just a few;

The paxil thing will always be something that I will never forget

The life altering thing and the trial

Leaning how to deal with the Cerebral Palsy on my own

learning how to deal with my health problems

Learn how to let go of things I have no control  over

AND

Something that I am working on right now, knowing that even though I have a disability and have to ask for help from the state, I am still the same person that I was before I asked.

Lets go back again to 15 or even 20 year I was in High School in Flagstaff Az. I loved every moment of High School life. Band was everything to me and my friends. I have so much that I was doing in those 4 years of my life. Everything from walking to and from school to having my own car. Playing my instrument to going to church things. I had so much fun with friends from school to meeting people from all over the state. I really think my life was all about church and playing my instrument. I would not have changed anything.

So what were you doing 15 years ago???

I’m back and I’m not going any were

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I feel so bad to have left my dear friends that read my little blog. I just needed to take some time off for me. Now, I’m back and I am able to write a bit more.

Two very big dates happened during the time that I was gone and I would like to take the time to write a bit about them. So here we go, May 26th was the first day that I would like to write a bit about.  It has been three years now that I had the trial. It has been a very big thing in my life, as most of you know. It has been a long time of waiting for this day, why I really don’t know. I can say that I was not in town on that day I was up at the lake place. I was spending time with my parents before they left again. It was a long weekend for me. I got to see the new add-on to the house that everyone had been talking about. This was to the house and not the cabin. But the house had gotten a new face lift. So I got to spend time  with family.

To this day I can still remember they day that my mom had to come in to my apt and tell me the very bad news. This year I was up  late that night, I couldn’t sleep for some reason so I went into the cabin and my mom was up reading things on her I Pad. I asked if she was going to be going to bed soon. She said know and so I took myself and my I pad and was playing with the photos that I had taken during the day. It was about 10:30 at night and I said to mom.  Hey Mom it’s been one more year that I have gotten through. I don’t know if she remembers what I was talking about but I told her that May 26th 2009 was a very hard day and look I am one more year away from it. She looked at me and said yes it’s been one more year. So looking back on it. I think it was a great Mom and me moment.

The next day that was just as hard was June 11. This day was hard because I said NO MORE. It was June 11 2008 that I stopped the doctor from hurting me. It took me 2 years to put the many things together but when I did, I stopped it. I think and believe that I did this for me, I stopped it for me. Yet, it is a hard day to get my mind around. I don’t like it, I have not been able to get my mind to stop the hurt, and blaming of it was me. It is still the PTSD that I’m trying so hard to get over. No one knows what it’s like. No one knows how much he hurt me. No one knows because they are not me. I take it day by day some times. Other days I can look at the next day and be just fine with myself. Yet, it just hurts when I get near that date.

So what I think I am saying is that I needed this time away. But like I have said to you all is that I am back. My blog might be taking a new look. I’m still Mary from Minnesota, and this is still the way I look at the word. But it will be in a different light that I talk about.   Don’t worry there will still be moments that I might put a written post up like this. It will not be as often as they have been in the past. Really I just don’t know what will come out on this blog of mine.

Just a thought that has been on my mind

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Life has so many paths on it, and how are you to know what one is the right one. I hope I pick the right path, but what if the path that I pick is wrong. How do you go back and change what you have done. Can you go back to the spot and change  your mind? Some one told me that your life is always going to have a “Y” in the road. You are always going to pick from two things and what you pick is going to help you or harm you. it will make your life’s path better or not.  No one can be on the same path with you. Yes they can be walking with you for a time. Yet, your path is going to move or their path is going to change the “Y” in their path is going to come up and they are going to need to pick for them self what way they go.

I was adopted and my mom and dad helped me grow up. There path was my path. They gave me tools to help me on my own path. I learned to walk and talk and I went to school. So I am now making a small path of my own. As I grown up and now I have made a path of my own, yet they are still right there to help me make good and not so good decisions . I am learning to start doing things for my self, yet they still have me close to them, it’s the way of life. I can’t just go off and live on my own when I’m 15 years old. So some of the decisions  or the “Y” is my life are still made for me.

Now, when I moved out of my parents house that was my decision my own “Y”, I was now moving into my  own path. I was now on my own. I was going to make all my own decisions or I was going to make the right or wrong decision. All of the “Y’s” in my life were going to be on me. I hope that I got all the learning that my parents gave me when I was still on their path.

I found out that my path was not going to be anything that I was thinking it was going to be. There has been a lot of “Y’s” on this path of life that I really didn’t think I was going to have to do. Some of them are very good “Y’s” Like getting up to see my family in the summer. Going to see my sis and her family. All of these things are “Y’s” in my life. Some of the “Y’s” in my life have been hard to deal with. All of the Doctors that I see is something I do for me and my disability. So right there is about 5 or 6 “Y’s” in my life. I could say no I don’t need to see all the doctors and I’m not going to put my health in the front. But I do, put myself or my health in the front and every time I said yes or choics is another “Y” in my path.

The type of person that I am or the kind of person that my path has made me look down the path to plan. Lots of people don’t have to look down their path of life. However I have learned that I need to see the next “Y” on my path to be able to make a choice. these choices  that almost all people are just like a flip of a coin. In my life I can do that but I might be paying for it later, and knowing that sometimes is a good thing. Yet, on the other had It might not be something I am willing to pay for and so I don’t choose to go down they “Y’s”

Not being able to be in control of my “Y’s” is very hard and it’s almost like you are not having any say in your life. For example:

I can say that having to do the life altering thing in my life was the biggest “Y” that I have had to do in my adult life. Not being able to say what I needed to say at the trial was a “Y” that I didn’t have much say in. I really wanted to say the things in my own way but I could not. So having the “Y” taken away from me was a very hard time. And even now when I have to face some of the “Y’s” from that time in my life are hard and I don’t want to have to go down that path again. Yet, now I have another person to help me go down that “Y” with me  like a friend, family member, a love one, or a doctor. They can help me, like when I was little and my parents help me make my path.

What I am trying to say is that my path is my own. I have to make my own choices. I have to go down my path with what I know and what I believe. I am the only one that can go down my path. Like I said before there are people in your life that will aways be around and their path will come and go and that’s OK. Yet, at the end of the day your path is yours and you make it what you want it to be.

Thinking back

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Ok I have to say that I think I found something out and the thing is that I did not believe what was going on the first year after the trial. I just put a good face on and I just went with it. I don’t even know if I was me around my family, friends or my boyfriend. The first year was just me trying to understand what just happened. It was a lot of how can I have gone through what I just went through. Life had changed for the worries because I told the truth and I’m not getting anything back from it. I lose a doctor and I called him out on something big. Yet, I’m still in pain and no one can help. The biggest thing was I was trying to keep this doctor from hurting other people, and now know one knows what this doctor can do to others, because he got is lisents back

So life goes on and year two happens. At this time I am still saying to myself “I’m the one that lost more than a doctor. I lost a person that can help me and put me back together. I am starting to shift the way I think about the whole thing. I start to put things that I am seeing him all over the place. I feel like he is always looking at me. He is around me 24/7. There is no way to make the feeling go away. I still think that I’m the one that coste him to do this very bad thing to me. One of the big questions that I still ask my self is why me? What did I do to make him do what he did to me. So yes,  year two was a lot of blaming myself. I still do and I might always do a bit of that. I think I’m past the whole thing of keeping him away from other people. This hurts me a lot because again know one will know about what he did to me.

So on Saterday will be 3 years sents I stoped him from hurting me. I hope I feel something a bit better then when the two year mark came and went on May 26th. I will keep working hard on this whole thing of what the doctor did to me. Some of the things that will help me get through or past this thing will be when I can say his name. Another thing will be when I can say what he did to me. I’m still working hard on the whole writing him to ask why.

some of the dark days.

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The next few days are going to be some of the hardest days. It was this time two-years ago that a Doctor was not found guilty. A man who hurt me and might be hurting other people and there’s nothing I can do. I still think about it a lot. I am getting help with it, every week I see some one to help me work through the hurt that he did to me. As he is still a doctor now and can still see people. I still live the pain of what happened. It hurts me more and more knowing that he is out there. But I am not being hurt from him. I am trying very hard to move on.

I will never forget the week of the trlal. I will never forget how I was feeling, how I could not look at anything. I still remember how hard it was for my family and friends to see me have to go through the pain of having to say the things over and over again.

Yet, now I feel that other people think I need to have moved on from this. I feel like people don’t want to talk about it any more. I feel like people think that my life should be back to normal. I would love for the hurt and the pain to be gone. I would love to be just be again. However, I’m not past all the hurt, all the crying, and the blaming of myself. And yes, it’s been two-years. Life for me has changed but at the same time life is still the same. Or, you might even say that life has gotten harder for me.

I had to talk about how much I can’t put on one of those doctors gowns on with out crying. The person that I was talking to was telling me that I would be able to do that if I really needed to. She did not believe me at all. It only took about two mins and I was in tears. And I could not stop crying. I felt that I could not move. She had to see what it has done to me before she got it. The pain is so great that it’s hard to talk about it in first person. If I can talk about it not in first person then I do better. But it still hurts more and more.

A very smart person told me that the only way to get through the hurt is to not run away from it. I need to head it on. I need to face it, I’m thinking that I am doing just that. But I have been trying to face it for two years and it feels like I’m not getting any where with it. The hurt just keeps changeing. So just about when I think I’m getting it and I feel like I’m moveing forword. The hurt comes up in another way.

To try and get past this long and dark days of this year I’m going to go and see mom and dad and take the trip to the cabin for the first time in 2011.  I even think that I started my podcast in 2008 at the cabin. I love getting up there. I can just be me with out having to try and be someone that I’m not. I can take time and think if I would like or I don’t have to.

But it’s late now and I need to get in bed so I can get up in the morning and go to work.

Thank you all for reading my little blog. I would love to hear what you think about my blog?

She believes me

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I have been working with a person that I truly thought she did not believe that I had a reaction to paxil over 5 years ago. I know I should have moved on to a new person to help me deal with this. However I was working in a big company and had already been moved from one person to another. I saw that this person might not believe me but could help me in other ways. She moved out of this company and went in to private practice. I went with her because at the time I really felt like I was getting some where. Even though, I thought she still didn’t believe me about the Paxil thing.

Time went on and she was the frist person that I told about the life altering thing that happened to me. She came to the trial and I didn’t even think she was going to be there. She and my mom had gotten to talking at the trial and I think something that my mom said to her got her thinking Oh my. This person that I have been talking to for a long time. Came out and said to me Mary I do think something happened when you took the Paxil. Hearing just that from her made me feel like some one out side of my family believes that something bad happened to me when I took the paxil. The best thing  was that it was this person saying this to me.

I feel like saying thank you for believing me. I even said that to her the other week. I had told her that I didn’t think she believed in me when I said I had a bad time with Paxil. She said something to the point of I do believe you. It was great to hear it from her.

 

So I think what I am saying is that people some times need to hear that they believe in you. The next time you see a person that you know has had it hard for one thing or another. Please if you do believe them tell them.