Category Archives: podcast

NEW Episode 234


New episode 234

Sorry it’s a little late to show here but it’s up New Episode 234


As I try and get back into blogging


I am trying to get back in to blogging. I am finding it hard to write again. At one time I was so good at it. I found it easier than talking. Yet, now I just find it’s hard to do both. What I would like to say is not always what comes out of my mouth. Some time I think it’s just because of me getting older, there are other times that I think it’s because I am trying to deal with the disability.

Now lets me tell you something that I think is wrong with me right now. Now that I am learning how to deal with my C P I find myself saying oh it’s because of the disability. In some ways yes it is but in other ways I don’t think so. This past summer I did very good with a lot of things. Other things were hard. I could see that Oh 1+1=2. However, there are still times that I don’t see it. And that is when I really don’t see that 2+2=4. Now some of this is just be and my very long learning curve. But other times it’s me not wanting to learn how to deal with the C P.  So I think that is why I have been so quite this past summer. I have always known that I had the C P. Now I’m learning how to deal with as an older person. So it’s been hard for me to just sit in it.  So besides the PTSD that I’m still working on. I have tried to put it a side (which is hard) and looking and just be with the C P.  It’s just so hard for me. I’m learning that it is a lot of things that I’m trying to work on.

some of the dark days.


The next few days are going to be some of the hardest days. It was this time two-years ago that a Doctor was not found guilty. A man who hurt me and might be hurting other people and there’s nothing I can do. I still think about it a lot. I am getting help with it, every week I see some one to help me work through the hurt that he did to me. As he is still a doctor now and can still see people. I still live the pain of what happened. It hurts me more and more knowing that he is out there. But I am not being hurt from him. I am trying very hard to move on.

I will never forget the week of the trlal. I will never forget how I was feeling, how I could not look at anything. I still remember how hard it was for my family and friends to see me have to go through the pain of having to say the things over and over again.

Yet, now I feel that other people think I need to have moved on from this. I feel like people don’t want to talk about it any more. I feel like people think that my life should be back to normal. I would love for the hurt and the pain to be gone. I would love to be just be again. However, I’m not past all the hurt, all the crying, and the blaming of myself. And yes, it’s been two-years. Life for me has changed but at the same time life is still the same. Or, you might even say that life has gotten harder for me.

I had to talk about how much I can’t put on one of those doctors gowns on with out crying. The person that I was talking to was telling me that I would be able to do that if I really needed to. She did not believe me at all. It only took about two mins and I was in tears. And I could not stop crying. I felt that I could not move. She had to see what it has done to me before she got it. The pain is so great that it’s hard to talk about it in first person. If I can talk about it not in first person then I do better. But it still hurts more and more.

A very smart person told me that the only way to get through the hurt is to not run away from it. I need to head it on. I need to face it, I’m thinking that I am doing just that. But I have been trying to face it for two years and it feels like I’m not getting any where with it. The hurt just keeps changeing. So just about when I think I’m getting it and I feel like I’m moveing forword. The hurt comes up in another way.

To try and get past this long and dark days of this year I’m going to go and see mom and dad and take the trip to the cabin for the first time in 2011.  I even think that I started my podcast in 2008 at the cabin. I love getting up there. I can just be me with out having to try and be someone that I’m not. I can take time and think if I would like or I don’t have to.

But it’s late now and I need to get in bed so I can get up in the morning and go to work.

Thank you all for reading my little blog. I would love to hear what you think about my blog?



As you all know that I have been trying to get to a warm pool, Well I did and I have been able to get there right after work. The pool is down town and it’s at the hospital. So, if something happens I will be right there lol. I only been going for a week but a week is better than waiting for more paper work to come through. Because I am going there and I’m using the pool at a time that most people are not using for what I am using it for. I had to get the OK from the higher-ups,

So this is what I am going to try to do:

Pool Monday and Wednesday, and then all the other appointments will happen around that. This is good because on those two days I was going to P T. I don’t have to move things around too much.  Now that I say that I have to say that my new work coach is going to be a bit harder. I am going to have to work with her. She would love to see me on Tuesdays at 2 and I have an appointment that day. I will not change it because I did it one time in the past and it made my whole week mest up. The work coach is in ST Paul on Fridays so that day is out for her. I was thinking that I would be able to see her on Thursdays the weeks I don’t have an appointment. I was thinking that if it comes down to me having to go to the pool on Fridays  I will do that. However it’s not what I would like to do. When summer comes around I will not want to do anything on Fridays because I will want to get to the cabin as fast as I can, Getting out-of-town on Fridays will be the only thing I would be doing. Now I will not be going up every weekend but a lot of them. I will be trying to get up there. Time away from the city is the best time. And with my vacation I just use it as very long weekends.

If you have not heard my podcast in the last two months. I put two up in the past week. They are just the same things. I’m trying to get back into the whole podcasting thing. However I really took a break from it because I did not no how to start it. So, in the two shows that I put out I started with something that explains what the podcast is about. You know letting people know who I am and why I am doing the podcast. I know that my podcasting days have because very spotty. I’m going to be working on that this year. I’m getting to the point were I don’t like to do all the fancy things. Just get it out and get it done.

Monday is almost here


Monday is the first day that we will be down in the basement. I don’t know if that is a good thing or not. Yes I know that it’s going to happen if I like it or not. Yet, at the same time I feel like I am starting a whole new job. I was told that I should bring a book to read for the first hour that I’m at work. I will have my I touch so I will be good.

Working down town for about 6 years, and working in one place for that time. it’s kind of hard to think that I’m not going to be up on the 17th floor. People that I know who are Higher up, you know the people who are higher them me have said that I will like it. These are people who I have not worked for but at the same time I have gotten to know them. Being on the 17th floor for the time that I have been up there you kind of get to know lots of people. I found that it’s the only way to net work down town. You just get out and talk to as many people as you can. It is nothing like I did when I was working at a branch. It was a very different kind of networking.

However this is not a post a bout networking, it’s about starting on monday with a whole new group of people.

PS I will try and get my podcast up and going very soon. I know I have been very lacks in getting them up last month. I will be working on that.