Today was a day of many up’s and down’s. Mom was set to have her pacemaker put in some time today. The doctor saw her last night and was going to work on her today. He was hoping to get her in this morning.
I went to work knowing that I was going to leave when Dad called me. At about noon today I went to church and left my phone on. Dad did not call until after work, I went right over to the hospital. My dad, grandma and my aunt Toni where there. Mom went in at about 2:45 pm and the doctor came out at about 8 pm by that time my sister had gotten there. When the doctor came out and had great news. They were able to put everything that they needed to get in her. “Aka one less surgery” We all went up to her room in the ICU. There was lots of tears, that were happy tears. A lot of stress was let go and it all come out in tears. The three of us left her after 9.
This past week I was going to be going up to the cabin for the first time. Well that is not what happened. I’m ok about not going up north but my family and I have had so much to take in this past week. My mom has been in ICU for about a week now. It’s been so hard for me and my sister but for my dad it’s been even harder to see him look like he has just lost a part of him. She is in the best care I know that and I know my family knows that. It’s just so hard to see her in a room and not be able to talk to any of us. She had to get her pacemaker out because something was wrong in the place where it was. She had an infection. Because of the infection they have not put anything back in side of her. (I really don’t know all the ins and outs of the pacemaker). She is making progress every day and getting better. It’s still hard to know that I can’t just pick up the phone and call her.
I am writing this post to just tell everyone how much I love my mom. How much it hurts to see her laying down in a bed and not be able to talk to us when we come in. I have said this on my face book page and I will say it again.
I believe in God. I know he has plans for me and my family. But I need my mom so much, so can you please, let her guide me still here on earth, for a long time.
I have been getting these in a e mail form. There are some of them that have spoken to me. Others of them have not spoke to me as much. So I have been thinking about posting them here for you to read. I hope that you will get something out of it like I have.
|Good Morning, my beloved disciple, I am with you today.I will form you if you let me.Today’s Encounter…Jesus Speaking (Mt. 13:47-53) B Thurs. 17th Wk of Ord.Time.
My Father spoke to Jeremiah, “Rise up, be off to the potter’s house!”
Jeremiah observed the potter, “when the object of clay which he was making turned out badly…he tried again, making of the clay another object of whatever sort he pleased” (Jer. 18:1-6).
You are the clay, I am the potter, and the wheel is the world. I seek to mold you but at times you don’t get the message, the object of your life is not of my making.
But each experience brings you to some understanding of my object. All things turn out for the good if you, “Like the clay in the hand of the potter, are in my hand.”
David the psalmist was saying, “Blessed is he whose help (whose potter) is the God of Jacob” (Ps. 146: 1-2).
I, the Lord, do not withhold my object from anyone. As I said to the disciples, “The Kingdom of heaven is like a net thrown into the sea, which collects fish of every kind. When the net is full they haul it ashore… put what is good (those who seek the object of my inspiration) into buckets. What is bad (those who want to be their own potter) they throw away.”
If you understand these things you know that, “every scribe (sharer of faith) who has been instructed in the Kingdom of heaven is like the head of a household who brings from the storeroom both the new and the old.”
They will share the wisdom of the prophets with the truths I teach through parables.
I forget how much I need to just believe in me. As life happens around me, some times I feel like I am one step behind. Yet, really I am just letting life go and I’m not trying to grab on to life.
I think that I have let my mind say to myself that because of my. . . It’s ok for it to take over me. This is not the Mary that I would like others to know any more. I am a strong person in side and out. I have things and ideas that are fun and out going. No one knows of them because I have not said or acted on them. It’s time to start acting on them. It’s time for me to be out going and yes it’s time for the old Mary to come back. It’s time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself, and start feeling like I can do anything I want.
I think that yes I have had to go through the time of not believing in myself. I had to learn things that only other people could show me and teach me. Being a person that can see that and now understand it, is a great thing. But now it’s time to take back my life. So the first thing is to not feel sorry for myself. Then I think it is going to be not to plan for everything. There is just so much more happening around me. And I miss out because I am planning out things. The other thing is to keep work, doctors and personal life as just that, not mixing them up.
I think that through all of this time of not believing in myself my faith has gotten a lot more important to me. As I look back to where I have been I really did not understand why God would let something so bad happen to me. So I never left my faith, I just questioned it. I have now found my own church that I can say was not my family church. I love the church that I am going to right now. I do go to church on my lunch when I’m working. I still can’t get myself up to the point of going on Sunday. However, God did not tell us what day we need to go to church. So going at lunch time is a great thing for me. This was the first year that I feel like God was calling me to the church on Holy Thursday and Good Friday. I also think he was calling me to show my co-worker my faith. I’m not a person that will go out and try to make someone believe in my faith. Yet, I think God was asking me to talk to my co-worker and explain to her why I believe the things that I do. I also feel like he wanted me to hear what I was saying to her. It was a sign from God to Believe in myself for what and how I tell my co-worker the stories from the Bible, or the ones that I remember.
I just need to remember that I am a “Soukup” and we don’t let life keep us down for ever. Oh yes life can get us down and some times out for a bit, but we get back up. So thank you, to my family for making me who I am today. I am still a strong person. I have a temper like my Dad, if I put my mind on something I will do it, just like dad. I have the need to love and take care of others like my Mom. I have the money mind like my sister. I have so much love for my nephew and nieces. I can not forget the Boy friend and his love for me and my love for him.
it’s just me a person that is having a hard time understanding why you would let your son die for me. I’m just one person that has a hard time with WHY. I don’t get it. This is the first time that I went to Thursday Mass and Good Friday Mass. I found my self crying on Friday. I ask my self the question of “Why” often. How can I put to sleep this thought of why. How can we get so happy about your son’s death. As a Catholic why do we all get so happy that he had to die to save us. I’m just one person that has many things on her mind and in her hart and this is a very big part of what is in my heart.
I was always told as a little girl to talk to you like you were a friend and as you know my prayers have almost always been like that. I know you have been with me when things were good and been with me when things were really bad. I understand a friend but again I ask “WHY” your only son? I would not say that I wish one of my family member to die for me or something like that. But I feel like that is what you did. You sent your only son to us so he could teach us about you. So, why did he have to die for us. How come he could not just keep teaching us through out his life.
I can’t remember were I learned this but it was something like this. Don’t tell others what you are doing for your God. I don’t get it, if we all are to do things for you in your name why should we not talk about it with others?
There have been times this year that I have felt the Holy Spirit come over me. I have only told my mom and now the whole world. I have not said how the Holy Spirit came over me, only my mom knows that. So what do you think about that? it’s not like I am going to tell the whole world that I did this or that. Can I talk to my family about what you have helped me do in my every day life?
The last thing that I would like to ask of you is to keep my family safe and to keep the loved ones in my heart and mind safe also. Please God keep me strong in all that I do. Help me to remember why you put me on the earth. Help me to make cents of all the things that I don’t understand. Please, let my family and friends that are in heaven, with you know that I think of them a lot.
I don’t know why this saying hit me hard. But I think I have been trying to stick out and I really just need to be quiet and just be me. You know the person that is more than just a disability. Just be the person that does what needs to be done and not making me stand out. I need to find out what kind of person I really am to others. I would like to say that I will be more quiet durning Holy week to hear more of what God is trying to say to me. Holy week is a very hard time for me. So if I can just hear God talk to me.
I started the other day by looking back to my blog and Oh my I have not put a post out for a very long time. I know why and it’s just been very hard. The library is keeping me going. I feel like I can get into most of all my books and I love it. I was faced with a thing from work on Friday that was hard to hear but through all my learning I was able to talked to the right people about this. So after work I went to the flower show in down town. I got some very good pitchers, and that is what I needed, from a long day a work. The pitchers that I got are great I think but I’m just taking them with my I touch. I need to get them up loaded. This was something that I really wanted to do and so going to the show was great. Yet, taking pitchers was about the best thing ever. I’m not that great at taking pitchers but it’s fun. Oh yes, I do have a few pitchers of me. I hope I can get those up sooner than later.
I have been doing a lot of thinking of my faith and how I live my faith every day. Yes I am going to church some time durning week. Some times I go the church two or three times. I am still trying to find a church out on my end of town. The ones out here are ones that I can go to but it just does not feel right. I feel much at home at the church down town. Some of this is because I just feel like I have been able to over come so much at that church. I have been able to really hear God talk to me. I have also been able to really get into the readings. This church reminds me of the church in California when I was a little. When every thing was good in my life not that it is not now. When I had my family around me. When I was still a little girl growing up when the big things was how do I get up the street because we lived on a hill. You know things that kids think that are so important. now I have to worry about work and were is the money going to come from. You know the things that adults have to deal with.
I have been doing a lot of reading on my own. Yes a book, it has to deal with the church and lent and how things work in the church. I have told myself that if God would like to read in the book today he will make it happen. but if he would like me to hear it, he will let me know. As most of you know about my reading, is not the best. I don’t read very good and I get so mad at myself but I know that it I just give it up to God, he will help me. Don’t think I always think that because I don’t always listen to myself or him.
The weather has been very warm and I don’t know what to say about that. Even though it been so warm my body still hurts. I wish I could do better. But again my body has more control over my mind. I’m trying to work on just staying here.