At the beginning of trying to move forward, I told myself that if I could write a letter to the Doctor that hurt me. I would know that I have been able to process the whole thing. It would be even better if I could use his name in the letter. Well it’s been 5 years cents I stopped the abuse. It’s been 4 years that I spoke for all the other people that he hurt that could not speak up for them selfs for one reason or another.
I have only been able to come up with this.
I have to tell you that you have hurt me so much and you have changed my life forever. I will never for give you for what you have done to me and my family. I have gotten to the point were I am able to say that. . .
After this point I just can’t write any more. I start to cry and feel like he is still abusing me. Maybe I will be able to write more next year.
All the EMDR that I do every week is starting to work.
I am able to write a bit more then I could last year.
Today I have been working on trying to get myself up to date on my sleep. I don’t understand why I have been so tired. This past week was very hard to get through. I think I say this all the time yet, this week was hard just because it was a up and then down kind of week.
Something that I really like was that I got to cook again this past week. I find that I like to cook when I have the whole place to myself. So on Wed I try to cook a meal. Some times it is really good other times it’s not that great. This past week it was chicken and rice. I can say that I need more work on that one. The week before that I made soup that was so good. This coming up week I don’t know what I’m going to cook.
Another really good thing is that I got to meet with the new work coach by myself. I think I’m going to like this one. It’s going to be good to work with some one that is not older then me by years. She is younger them me but I really think that she is going to put some youth back in my life.
So for the not so good things is that it’s cold and my body is stopping me at ever move. I have been hurting more and more. Spring is not going to get her fast enough. I am trying to find ways to keep me going in the cold. All the doctors have been very happy with what I have been doing to try and stay worm. So talking about the doctors they have been all over me about getting to the pool but I keep telling them it’s been just to cold for me to get there. Some of them understand why I have not been going, but there is always one that says the better to get in the pool. To those doctors I say I’m trying to keep moving. I’m going to be moving doctors again. However I’m not changing, I’m going to be moving with her. I am going to be going out to St Paul. Right now she is out of town for the month and will be back next month. She will be working out of were she is right now until the summer. At the end of her lease she will be moving closer to home.
Other then that there is not much more to write down. So I’m going to close this post and just say stay worm all.
Oh yes I’m writing this on Poster it’s my new app to write my blogs.
What part of “I have a disability” do you not understand? As I get older and have to face my Cerebral palsy on my own I feel like I have to keep in mind how people don’t understand what it is and how it affects me. Why is it my job to remember “oh you don’t know who I am!” I should not have to tell people about it again and again if they are people who I work with every week. What part of I have a disability that will not let me do things as fast as others do you not understand? I would love to stand up and just say it to some people in their faces. It’s a very big thing for me because I am still learning how to understand it myself. I know that some people don’t understand it and really don’t care to understand it. There are others that say they want to understand it, yet when it comes time to face it they just run the other way. Some times I have to tell people over and over again about it. Most say they get it but don’t really get it. How many times do I have to say it. I”m getting so tired people and upset with having it and having to remind people who I need help with this or that. Some of the people who I have to remind again and again are myself, doctors, people who I work with and just the different people I see.
Here is a good example Say you hear about this really good food truck and the food that everyone is talking about is just out side and is called @#@!@#$$#@@@. You go out side and everything you see is just that @#@!@#$$#@@@ all over the place. There are so many people around and you have a hard time reading what the food is because you can’t read all the things that are around you. So you come back and people ask if you found the good food. You have to say know because you could not find it. However in your mind the thoughts are why can’t you just read the stuff? why can’t you see around the people. It’s hard and I know most people would say to me that they feel sorry for me. Or the next time they will come out to help and the next time happens and know one is there helping you. The food trucks are out side every day and I don’t go to them because I can’t read the trucks and I feel so bad that I sometimes just get so mad at myself and the disability. I can’t read the food trucks and I can’t do some things about it.
I have been talking about having my disability for a long time. I have even had to remind my doctors that I have a disability and I can’t do this or that on the fly. Some of them are people that I have been seeing for years now and I think because I am so good at hiding the disability when I get confused and don’t understand what is going on around me they get mad at me because I don’t understand what they are asking.
I don’t like talking about it every day and I would love to just blend in with others but can I? I feel like I have a target on me at all times when I try to talk about things that have to deal with everyday life most people get it. However if I start talking about how hard it is to have a disability and how I am learning about it and the baby steps that I am taking. People think I am just a problem person and don’t understand why I do this or that. People forget it’s hard for me to even take the steps to move forward. I think people don’t see that it might be a baby step for me. They see it as me being lazy and don’t want to work on getting better.
There are times that I feel like if I could some how get into others dreams that I could help them to see how hard it is for me to take two steps forward. You know become them and have them had my disability and let them try and be me. I know I can’t do it but it is something that I do think about when no one is willing to just hear what I have to say or when people think they know and really don’t. Yes I know that I should not wish anything on anyone, but there are the days and moments of days that it is the only thing that gets me through those times when know one knows what I’m really going through.
If there is anyone that I think that might know what kind of life I have it would be my parents and sister. However, now that I don’t live at home and am not right under my parents any more it’s hard to say if they get what I have to go through on those really hard days. I know when I was little my family knew what I had to do both in side me and out side me to make my world work like everyone’s around me. I am glad that I was able to have them when I was growing up. Now it’s a bit harder for me to let them see how hard it is just because I don’t know how to show them. I don’t what to be a Debby downer, so I don’t let them see it all the time. Then there are times that I am having a hard time understanding it myself.
I might have a disability and it might not be what others want of me but because I have it I can’t just do everything like the next person. I am going to need more time to get all my eggs in a roll. I might not be able to do things like the next person. It’s going to be harder for me. And lastly, I am willing to work with you but you need to be willing to work with me!!!!
I am still trying very hard to save for a Mac book computer. The more I use dad’s computer the more I would like my own. I think I walked to much. I am very sleepy my feet hurt just because I have been walking a lot. I’m thinking about taking a day or so off with the steps. Yesterday I was up to 2079 steps it was a lot and I. today I’m up to 1284 steps today. So I think I am about to get over a 1000 steps when I’m here. I have not been to the poll yet. I am going to do that but it’s been fun.
If I can get the very big bill, that came up at the end of the year payed off before tax time. I will be using the money from my taxes I really need a Mac book computer go . This will be happen even if my cards are not payed off. I know that two of them will be payed off. Well, the two cards are to the point were I don’t have anything that I don’t know about on them. Like the card that has parking on it “only” only has parking on it.
I told the work coach I was not going to think about things that might get me down when I was out here. So I’m going to tell you that mom and I went out today. It was good to get out with her. I walked more then she ccould I was very happy about that. I know it’s not nice to out walk your own mom but it must be good because my feet don’t hurt until I am not on them. I might up date you Monday but maybe not.
Today was Thanksgiving here in the USA. I spent the day with my boy friend. It was good to see them all. I think this year was much harder for me because it’s been one year scents I started the whole long road down the path of the trial. This is a long path, that I started now and will not come to an end until next May. There will be lots of one year ago this happend going on in my mind. So me being out of it on some days is going to be a very normal thing. Some days not as bad as others. However it will be really bad for some days.
So with many friends that I have I am trying to get through it. Right now I feel very much like I can’t do it. Yet, lots of people have said that it will be hard but you will be able to do it. They have said that it’s going to be that it’s one that I have to do by myself. (how would you like to hear that?)
Today as I was sitting at the table I was thinking of the many things that I have done for myself. I have been getting help with what the out come of the trial was. I am not as depressed any more. I have been able to feel like I am not keeping something to myself any more. I know lots of people have said to me that I look more like the old me or if they hear me they say my voice is back to me. (that will always bring a smile to my face.) So, to myself I am very thankful for getting myself back together.
Today was also a day that we “all” had to get through together with not having my boy friends dad with us. We are still going through the whole first year with that one. Some of us are having a harder time with that then others. Yet, I think it was hard on every one but I think we did it. I was having a hard time because it was not my family that I was with. I tried not to look like I was not having a good time. But it was hard, and I was texting all day long.
Besides that thing at the boy friends, I would have to say that today my day was fair.
P.S I would like to say that I might be writing a lot about what I am feeling with it being one year ago I had pre-trial, trial and then post trial things going on. Or as I would say a “life altering” thing happen
As I have been thinking about a lot of things I am some what brought back to this one blog. There has been so much going on that I don’t even know were to start and how to tell anyone. It might be that Life is just happening and I don’t know when it got out of my hands. Nothing bad has been happening to me. It’s just that I have been thinking about a lot of things.
I am finding that if it is an important thing that was or is being said to me or if I am talking to some one and need to understand it right now I have found that things are a bit harder for me to understand. it’s even harder when people would like you to get it right a way. It just makes it even harder for me . I need the time to process it and people don’t want to give it to me. I think that I just need time to think and get it. I’m not losing it or anything but it is just a bit harder to get important things right here and now. I have been able to hide this thing about me for years but now I can’t do that any more. No more mom and dad to help. So that is what life has been giving me for the past day, week, month or few months. It’s something that is just hard for others to get. So I have been in my mind about it and I have been doing something that I do very well and that is that I have been turning inside to me. Which is not a good thing really.
All the doctors would say that is a bad thing for me to do. it’s just something that I do. It’s just something I do and they know it. Yet, how do you not do something that you have done for a long time. Wait, I know, don’t do it. Make the new path that you would like to make. It’s going to be hard but you will get to it. The path will get better. Thanks to one of the doctors. You know who you are. What you say to me dose get in my head really. Even though my head is thick I do listen. And I do believe, what you say to me most the time.
Believing in people is still a very hard thing for me to do. I have not been able to do that for a long time. I still don’t do it with out some great thought on my part.
Today has been a day that I just needed to sit down and think. So I started to read some of my old posts. I was very happy to see that I have come a long way from when I first started writing a blog. I still don’t think that my family reads it. I know my sister doesn’t and the b-friend has said that why would I want to read it I live it.
Back to some of my first posts were very much me but it was almost like I was trying to be perfect on what I said. As I am going forward I don’t see myself trying to show you that life is the greatest thing when it is not. The cold his here and my body is just killing. My loving b-friend has come out and said that we need it keep it much colder in the apt. I told him only if you would like to have a very stiff Girl friend. Yet this weekend he is out of town,
I’m still learning a whole lot about me and I love to come here and tell you all about what I’m learning. Life is always a part of learning so that is why I love to be able to come here and feel just find with writing it down. I’m also learning how to communicate more in a written form then what I was able to do before. I think my podcast is showing me that I can also talk my thoughts out. I do not have to have all of the thoughts in my brain. And so with all of this different ways of me learning how to better communicate with others I think it’s putting me in a good spot.
I have not been able to write a whole lot in the week but I do podcast a lot. I am able to talk through my thoughts. The only thing that I don’t like is that you also have to get use to be have a disability moments or two. In my blog I take those things out and it’s more like a one thought thing. But I do find myself talking a way and than I see something and I start talking about that. Then I will come back to what I was talking about before.