I have been using Learning Ally so long that when I was first introduced to this great program it was called recording for the blind and dyslexic. So during this post I will be using recording for the blind and dyslexic because that is what I grew up using. Even though they are now Learning Ally.
I am writing about this program because I have used them through out my life. When I was in middle school I was given the gift of recording for the blind and dyslexic. At that time in my life I know it was going to help with my school work and I would be more independent . I think and believe that my parents wanted me to be self-sufficient. I could get all my school books on tape. There was four sides on one tape, so I had to use a special tape player. I had a tape player at home so I was able to take my tapes home and do my homework at home and was very much a normal kid. During the summer I was able to order books to listen to just for fun. This was the first time that I was able to read books on my own. Up until this time my mother would tape books for me to listen to on my own. She was always willing to read out loud to me. Being able to listen to a book with out my mom was something I was excited about. There was one down side to getting books on tape. There where no trending books like the baby sitters club.
My family moved the summer of my 8th grade year. I thought I was going to have to give up this new found independents. I was told that I would not have to give this up at all I got to keep my tape player and I was able to continue using recording for the blind and dyslexic through high school. I had to still use the tape player at home to get homework done. When I graduated I ones again thcought I would have to stop using my membership. I did not understand how a life time membership really worked.
Through College recording for the blind and dyslexic played a smaller part of my life. It was hard to get my textbooks on tape because the schools would always be using the up to date textbooks. I didn’t have much time to sit at home and listen to books on tape. However, the new thing was buying a CD player from recording for the blind and dyslexic and getting books on cd. I did that for a few years. I was disappointed that I could not get books that where on the New York best seller list. So I spend my own money to get books to listen to. In my mind this was just one more thing that I did to keep my love of reading books. After college I started using Audible to listen to books. I only had to take my phone with me where ever I went. No more tapes or cd’s.
It has been about 18 years since college, and I still had my tape player. During this last time I moved I was going to send my tape player back to the state. When I called recording for the blind and dyslexic I learned that they where now called Learning Ally and they were not using the tape player any more. The person on the phone told me that I could just get rid of my tape player. I thought that was weird, but I did what they said.
This past summer when Harry Potter and the chosen child came out. I learned that the book was not going to be on audible and there was no way I was going to be able to read it. I was very disappointed at the whole thing. I started to read other books from Nora Roberts, Ally Condie, Diana Gabaldon and many other books. I work at a job that I can listen to music and books all day. I have a lot of books through audible. I get to listen to them over and over again. It’s the best thing I have ever bought
Last week I was thinking about Learning Ally just because. I went looking on the App Store and Oh my goodness there was an app for Learning Ally. I down loaded it and I was very happy to see it was very different from what I remember. It is all Digital now. The big question was “does learning Ally have the new Harry Potter book?” The answer was YES!!! so for the last week I have been able to follow along and listen to Harry Potter and the chosen child. I still can’t get a lot of my favorite authors, full Series of books, or more trending books for adults. So I will be keeping my membership for Audible.
At the beginning of trying to move forward, I told myself that if I could write a letter to the Doctor that hurt me. I would know that I have been able to process the whole thing. It would be even better if I could use his name in the letter. Well it’s been 5 years cents I stopped the abuse. It’s been 4 years that I spoke for all the other people that he hurt that could not speak up for them selfs for one reason or another.
I have only been able to come up with this.
I have to tell you that you have hurt me so much and you have changed my life forever. I will never for give you for what you have done to me and my family. I have gotten to the point were I am able to say that. . .
After this point I just can’t write any more. I start to cry and feel like he is still abusing me. Maybe I will be able to write more next year.
All the EMDR that I do every week is starting to work.
I am able to write a bit more then I could last year.
I can not believe that I am sitting in my car and seeing sun. It has been a very long time with out sun. Many people say that the sun is the best thing for people with anxiety. I would have to say there are right.
I some how got off of one of my medications and have been feeling it. I am now back on the stuff and my body doesn’t like it. I have to work up to the right dose so starting back on it had been hard. So seeing the sun and having the warmth from it is great.
I hope and pray that winter is going away?????
Today I have been working on trying to get myself up to date on my sleep. I don’t understand why I have been so tired. This past week was very hard to get through. I think I say this all the time yet, this week was hard just because it was a up and then down kind of week.
Something that I really like was that I got to cook again this past week. I find that I like to cook when I have the whole place to myself. So on Wed I try to cook a meal. Some times it is really good other times it’s not that great. This past week it was chicken and rice. I can say that I need more work on that one. The week before that I made soup that was so good. This coming up week I don’t know what I’m going to cook.
Another really good thing is that I got to meet with the new work coach by myself. I think I’m going to like this one. It’s going to be good to work with some one that is not older then me by years. She is younger them me but I really think that she is going to put some youth back in my life.
So for the not so good things is that it’s cold and my body is stopping me at ever move. I have been hurting more and more. Spring is not going to get her fast enough. I am trying to find ways to keep me going in the cold. All the doctors have been very happy with what I have been doing to try and stay worm. So talking about the doctors they have been all over me about getting to the pool but I keep telling them it’s been just to cold for me to get there. Some of them understand why I have not been going, but there is always one that says the better to get in the pool. To those doctors I say I’m trying to keep moving. I’m going to be moving doctors again. However I’m not changing, I’m going to be moving with her. I am going to be going out to St Paul. Right now she is out of town for the month and will be back next month. She will be working out of were she is right now until the summer. At the end of her lease she will be moving closer to home.
Other then that there is not much more to write down. So I’m going to close this post and just say stay worm all.
Oh yes I’m writing this on Poster it’s my new app to write my blogs.
If I put $10 a week away for the year I will have $520 to get out of town next year. I need to just put it away and get out of the cold and snow.
Most people will not see this as a big thing in life but for every year that passes the harder it is on the 30 + +year old person.
So even if it takes me two more years of dealing with the bills, I do not care. It is something I need to do, have to do. Life is a bitch and I am not getting out a live. So I just need to find a way to have fun.
I have been looking on-line at some dear and old friends. They all have kids and have family’s of their own. It got me to thinking about what was I doing 15 years ago. Lets see I would have been 20 years old. I was living with my parents still. We were living in Arizona at the time. I was going to college still. Life was good to me 15 years ago.
A lot has changed in 15 years. The whole family moved to a new state, a very cold state “Minnesota” Both Mom and Dad have been able to be with their family now that they are home. My sister and I have now really been able to see were all the family stories took place. I got done with my 2 year degree, it took 5 years to get but I was the first one to get it. I am not living at home anymore. I think that the parents moved right after I moved out. I have moved 2 more times. I am working at a bank. Something I have always wanted to do. I have made it through 13 years of winters in this state. I have been able to see my sister bring home the one and only nephew and I would not change that at all. I have 3 nieces to call me TIA. So the family of 4 now is a bigger family that I love very much. I have been able to do things that I thought I would not ever been able to do. Like drive myself to the cabin many times. I have been driving in to Minneapolis for 8 years now. I have a very loving and great boyfriend now. He has been a part of my life for a long time. I have also had to over come many things that has changed me in more ways than one. I think there are a few very big ones that will have altered my life for ever. Here are just a few;
The paxil thing will always be something that I will never forget
The life altering thing and the trial
Leaning how to deal with the Cerebral Palsy on my own
learning how to deal with my health problems
Learn how to let go of things I have no control over
Something that I am working on right now, knowing that even though I have a disability and have to ask for help from the state, I am still the same person that I was before I asked.
Lets go back again to 15 or even 20 year I was in High School in Flagstaff Az. I loved every moment of High School life. Band was everything to me and my friends. I have so much that I was doing in those 4 years of my life. Everything from walking to and from school to having my own car. Playing my instrument to going to church things. I had so much fun with friends from school to meeting people from all over the state. I really think my life was all about church and playing my instrument. I would not have changed anything.
So what were you doing 15 years ago???
What part of “I have a disability” do you not understand? As I get older and have to face my Cerebral palsy on my own I feel like I have to keep in mind how people don’t understand what it is and how it affects me. Why is it my job to remember “oh you don’t know who I am!” I should not have to tell people about it again and again if they are people who I work with every week. What part of I have a disability that will not let me do things as fast as others do you not understand? I would love to stand up and just say it to some people in their faces. It’s a very big thing for me because I am still learning how to understand it myself. I know that some people don’t understand it and really don’t care to understand it. There are others that say they want to understand it, yet when it comes time to face it they just run the other way. Some times I have to tell people over and over again about it. Most say they get it but don’t really get it. How many times do I have to say it. I”m getting so tired people and upset with having it and having to remind people who I need help with this or that. Some of the people who I have to remind again and again are myself, doctors, people who I work with and just the different people I see.
Here is a good example Say you hear about this really good food truck and the food that everyone is talking about is just out side and is called @#@!@#$$#@@@. You go out side and everything you see is just that @#@!@#$$#@@@ all over the place. There are so many people around and you have a hard time reading what the food is because you can’t read all the things that are around you. So you come back and people ask if you found the good food. You have to say know because you could not find it. However in your mind the thoughts are why can’t you just read the stuff? why can’t you see around the people. It’s hard and I know most people would say to me that they feel sorry for me. Or the next time they will come out to help and the next time happens and know one is there helping you. The food trucks are out side every day and I don’t go to them because I can’t read the trucks and I feel so bad that I sometimes just get so mad at myself and the disability. I can’t read the food trucks and I can’t do some things about it.
I have been talking about having my disability for a long time. I have even had to remind my doctors that I have a disability and I can’t do this or that on the fly. Some of them are people that I have been seeing for years now and I think because I am so good at hiding the disability when I get confused and don’t understand what is going on around me they get mad at me because I don’t understand what they are asking.
I don’t like talking about it every day and I would love to just blend in with others but can I? I feel like I have a target on me at all times when I try to talk about things that have to deal with everyday life most people get it. However if I start talking about how hard it is to have a disability and how I am learning about it and the baby steps that I am taking. People think I am just a problem person and don’t understand why I do this or that. People forget it’s hard for me to even take the steps to move forward. I think people don’t see that it might be a baby step for me. They see it as me being lazy and don’t want to work on getting better.
There are times that I feel like if I could some how get into others dreams that I could help them to see how hard it is for me to take two steps forward. You know become them and have them had my disability and let them try and be me. I know I can’t do it but it is something that I do think about when no one is willing to just hear what I have to say or when people think they know and really don’t. Yes I know that I should not wish anything on anyone, but there are the days and moments of days that it is the only thing that gets me through those times when know one knows what I’m really going through.
If there is anyone that I think that might know what kind of life I have it would be my parents and sister. However, now that I don’t live at home and am not right under my parents any more it’s hard to say if they get what I have to go through on those really hard days. I know when I was little my family knew what I had to do both in side me and out side me to make my world work like everyone’s around me. I am glad that I was able to have them when I was growing up. Now it’s a bit harder for me to let them see how hard it is just because I don’t know how to show them. I don’t what to be a Debby downer, so I don’t let them see it all the time. Then there are times that I am having a hard time understanding it myself.
I might have a disability and it might not be what others want of me but because I have it I can’t just do everything like the next person. I am going to need more time to get all my eggs in a roll. I might not be able to do things like the next person. It’s going to be harder for me. And lastly, I am willing to work with you but you need to be willing to work with me!!!!