Category Archives: change

It has been a long time cents I wrote but there is a reason

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I have not been able to write like I use to be able to write when I first started this blog. When I was younger I blogged as a new way to tell my story.  I was still very young and I didn’t really know what I was doing. As time has changed and life keeps moving forward. I have found other ways to talk, share, live, and love me. the first things is that I did start a new blog and I think that if you like reading this one you will love to see what I do on the other blog. The other blog is “One thought one picture”  you can find it here. Through the past months I have been working on this blog. I have found a way to still do something that I like and keep my mind on not just work or things that drag me down. I think it has helped me in more ways that doing something that I love.

At this time though I will be able to tell you in my everyday life I am doing much more then just working and going to appointments and I love it. With the boyfriend working just a little bit more I have had to take on much more then what I would have done in the past. I have found that I love to cook. I have been able to make some of my mom’s recipes things that bring me happy memories from still living at home.

I also got really sick this past winnter. I mean really sick I had to stay at home for a week. I thought I was going out of my mind with the staying at home. Even doing that I was starting to remember when I was in the High School band and if one person went down we all went down. Life was hard when I was young,  NOT.

I am also going through some changes in my own life. As my mom would say and some of the doctors say growing pains

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Here I am

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So for a long time I have been trying to find time to jus sit and blog about what I have been thinking about. Every time I do sit down and blog something comes up and I forget to do it. My life has been up and down in the past months. I have wanted to stop just doing life and really I want to live life. I have come to this thought because having dinner with my sister really got me to thinking. I am not a young person any more. I am a person that is living in my 30’s. Some of the best times that I remember of my mom and dad when they where in there 30’s. I remember camping with my family  in CA. Taking lunch on the weekend and going up to the mountain and eating and them playing with my sister. These are things that I find that I think of my parents when they had to be in there 3o’s, From what I remember my mom and dad had it all together. So why is it that all the people around me seen to have it together. 30 is when you are supposed to  be doing things that you have been working on for ever. All the hard work that you put in at the beginning of your life is supposed to be paying off. Well that is not what is going on for me. I feel like I’m never going to get a better job and I don’t think I’m going to get any more like of money at my job. A house is so out of my hands and it will never happen.

Coming to this spot is a hard thing to understand. I don’t want to think I am a person that will never get all the things I think a 30-year-old person would have but looking at where I am and were I would like to be is a big change. There are some things that I can’t get around and I don’t even thing I can change in this life time,

But I can say that I am going to take the things that I do have control over like my money and move to a spot that I will not be in debt. This is something that is going to take time and I have to learn some big things about this. But I am going to work on it. I am Also going to be working on putting some money away so when I get older I will have money for that. I am hoping that I can get my credit card debt gone is 5 years. That would take me to me doing 41. So then I would have time to put as much money as can between 41 and 50. If I can start putting more than my $25 away  each month I would be set. I am going to try to put $30.00

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This past week there was a big shake up at work. This is the first time that I have had people who I work with get laid off.  It was the hardest thing ever in my life. I know people get let go all the time. I have even had people I know get let go. I have seen with my on eyes whole departments move from one state to another. Yet last week was harder for me because one moment I am talking to people and the next moment they are being told they don’t have a job. I can tell you that it’s a very hard thing to take in. So that is why I would like to work on my budget and stick to it.

 

There is still so much more that I can talk about. But that will have to wait. .

I was told to find something that I like to do and do it

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As I have been trying to break my world of work and personal time. I have been asked to find something that I like to do. Well that was hard to think of. What do I like to do on my own time? This is a hard question. Then I thought of the things that I have been doing like taking pitchers and sending them to friends and family. I also love to change them and make them different. I have been thinking of my podcast, and then I thought about my  blog. I find that I don’t write because I don’t think that what I have to say is that great. Yet, at the same time I feel like I am saying the same thing over and over again. I started my blog in 2008 and it was a new way to get my thoughts out. I didn’t have many people who I felt comfortable talking to. Finding the right words were hard for me. So blogging was great because I could take my time and find the right words to put down. So my blog was the best thing durning that time.

I have been doing a lot of growing in the past two years and I have found some great friends from work. My faith has changed in a good way. I am a happier person today. So my blog has done what I wanted it to do and so I stopped writing.

Now I have been asked to find something that I like to do in my personal time. Blogging, podcast and taking pitchers are some of the things that I have been thinking about. Then I thought really  hard and blogging just comes to mind. So that is why I’m here. However, I have a wrist is not doing well at all. I am mad and upset that this has happened to me. I know I’m getting older and things happen but come on. I’m only 35.

I’m going back to “normal”

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I have to say that I’m going to be back to “normal” for me at least. Next week I will be able to get to the pool again. I know this is what my body needs for the change of the weather. So it will be so good, to get back to just being one with my self.

I would like to take time and tell you and myself all the good things that I have been doing. So are small things and some are big things.

1 I went to a new doctor this past friday.

2 I’m learning more and more about BIC

3 I can stil stand up for my self when people talk badly about my family

4 I have been able to keep all appointments for the last month

5 I started to go to a group that.

6 I went out to dinner with them after group

7 I have been working hard to get to work more and more

8 I have been still going to church down town

9 I am blogging again.

10 I have been able to keep going when there is change around me

So I could keep going, on about what I have been doing. It just has been time to look back and see what I have been doing good at. I know I am a person that likes to look at the bad things but really with out bad things then there is no good things.

So you might be thinking what is normal for Mary? Well really it’s more like doing the things that I know I need to do for me. Yes I understand that all the things that I do are important to my health but I have not been to the pool in a very long time. I hope that they are still around.

Other things that make my life normal is that I don’t feel like I’m making waves. This is a hard thing for me. I’m working on it, I have found that I am not showing how hard things are going but when I can’t take it anymore, you don’t want to be on the other side of me. I just let it all out, and you might not have even done anything wrong.

The best thing of normal I will never get back and I’m learning that. If I could go back in time it would have been to the year 1998. It was the year that my family moved for the last time as a family of 4. My life was so much different then it is now. Yes there would have been no great Boy friend or going up to the cabin or any bank job.

This is the hard thing and it would have been do you go back to that time when life was so good or do you go to today when so much has changed. A doctor who hurt me in so many ways. Having a reaction to a drug that was so bad that life was stopped and taken away from me. Having to see so many doctors. Learning that my disability is much bigger then I thought it was going to be.

So there are days that normal is easy to define but there are days were normal is very hard to define. This is problely the same thing that everyone goes through in their life.

what have I been up to

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Ok this week has been very hard but about a whole month has been hard. Not talking just this month but the last two months.

I’m trying to work very hard by getting myself ready for the winter time. If you have been a reader of my blog you will know that the winter time is hard for me. Well the weather has been doing a number on me.

There has been a lot of changes going on in my life. Most of them are good changes, yet they are still changes. I’m trying to get better with change. I don’t know if they are good changes or not. I’m learning not to fight them. Now when I say this it, I have not wanted to learn BIC. I know I did not want that change at all. I can say that today is the first time that I did it from begining to end and I was very happy about that.

I don’t know if I told you guys that I have started going to a group to try to work on the PTSD. It’s been going well. I have been asked if I would like to go to dinner a few times. I did go last week. It was hard but I think one of the guys is a very nice person. I must have looked very youngest person there. Through this group I have now a new e-mail friend. I love her ability to be able to get me with all the up’s and down’s as a person.

Another thing that I have been doing is taking care of me. Yes, It might be a new thing for you all but I have been working on this

so much is changing I don’t even know were to start

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Hi all, as you can see I have not been able to get on my blog at all. It’s not that I didn’t want to. I have wanted to get on the computer more and more as life just changes. There is just so much changing and I’m very worried about it. At the same time I am trying to just let it move on and I will go with the change. Yet, at the same time if you don’t know me yet let me just tell you that I HATE  change. ( I don’t use that word at all because it’s so harsh) I’m so trying to get to the point were I don’t hate change.

There has been some very good things going on like last week I made dinner all by myself. This is a big thing for me if you don’t get it. I also got a massage. That is the biggest thing that happened.

 

And I’m so sorry I wish I could sit here and write all the good things going on in my life but that is not going to happen. I have a week that is more change so I need to get to bed. just keep praying that I will keep doing the right thing for me and the right thing that God would want me to do.

I’m still here Really

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Hi to all, this month just when by so fast. I can’t believe that I’m getting things done this month, when I keep telling my self I just did this stuff. However, it was stuff that I did last month and I am doing again this month. I hope that you guys are doing well. For myself I feel like I have been just walking and listening to what God has been trying to say to me for a long bit. So yes this post is going to be a lot of faith things and some other things.

Faith~ This month I have been thinking a lot of what God would like me to do with my life. Yet, I have also been thinking about something that FR Mike said to us in church. It went something like when Jesus came back to them and had dinner and broke bread with them and it was at that time the people knew it was Jesus. It was at that time that he gave them the holy spirit and said what you forgive is forgiven. What do don’t forgive will not be forgiven. So I’m thinking to myself I wonder what it felt like when the holy spirit came to them? Was it something that only those who believed could receive. I ask this because we all know about doubting Thomas, the man who did not believe until he could feel the spot were the nails were in Jesus hands and feet.

I have been so put back on this one thing. Something more to just know is that through out this part of my life, meaning the whole Doctor thing. I still believed there was something or someone out there who would make it all right. At least that is what my mind was saying. My heart was closed to God and all of what I was believing. But I don’t know if this has anything big, but at church we had to say the apostles creed, and I have not had to say that for a very long time. The people who I was with talk so fast that I really could not listen to them. So, I had to really think about it and know that I believed in what I was saying and I did. At that time I think something happened to me. If it was anything Like what the apostles felt like man I don’t want to ever lose it. For me it was a holy High. Something that you don’t want to go away. Now when I say this I feel like I am one of those people who when out into the streets and said to all the people “look at what I did, or look at what I’m doing for god.” It’s something that I don’t want to over talk about on one hand but on the other hand it’s something that I can’t keep to myself. So what is a girl to do?

So really that is what I have been up to this month. Yes, I did get up to the cabin and yes I did take a break from work for about 12 days. I got to spend time with my family. Just tonight I got to be with nieces and that was a great time. So I would like to say thank you to my sis and her other half.

There is just so much to tell you all. I can’t put it in words like I would like to. So I’m going to stop and then I’m going to pick up when I can find the right words again. So just know that I’m still here and I’m not going anywhere. I have put a pitcher of the lake on my blog page. It’s great to just come here and see that the lake is looking at me. I have also put a pitcher of the cabin on my desk top. So I know that they are always there for me and my mom and dad are just in side the cabin looking out I can see the light on so some one is up there looking down on me.