Category Archives: EMDR

It’s been 5 years

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At the beginning of trying to move forward, I told myself that if I could write a letter to the Doctor that hurt me. I would know that I have been able to process the whole thing. It would be even better if I could use his name in the letter. Well it’s been 5 years cents I stopped the abuse. It’s been 4 years that I spoke for all the other people that he hurt that could not speak up for them selfs for one reason or another.

I have only been able to come up with this.

Dear Dr,

I have to tell you that you have hurt me so much and you have changed my life forever. I will never for give you for what you have done to me and my family. I have gotten to the point were I am able to say that. . .

After this point I just can’t write any more. I start to cry and feel like he is still abusing me. Maybe I will be able to write more next year.

GOOD POINTS

All the EMDR that I do every week is starting to work.

I am able to write a bit more then I could last year.

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Four years ago

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It’s been a hard day, I have a big thing that will be coming up on Sunday. It will be four years that I took the stand to tell my side of the story on how a doctor hurt me.  I really thought I would be better then I am now. It’s been four very long and hard years to get myself to were I am. Yet, I feel like because who I am, I should be past feeling sorry for myself. The feelings have been all over the place today and I can just see myself on Sunday being feeling like I didn’t do all that I could do. I am hoping that it will be nice out because I would like to take a walk around a lake.

There is a part of me, that still blames me for not telling my story so that 12 people could take away the license from this  doctor. I know that I did my part to helping others for a year. However, what is he doing now. He has his license again and who is he hurting right now.

I have been working so hard In EMDR for the past years and it’s very hard to sit here and hear that I have come so far. I still have to keep telling myself to say thank you even when i don’t believe it. I really think that with out EMDR I would still be in the same spot were I was right after the trial. I know I still need to work on my self confidence. I think that will be one of the things that I’m going to work on this coming up year.

Oh yes, there is a bit more bad news in the world of me. One of my Doctors is going to be retiring, so that is just one more thing that I need to work on is finding a new doctor.

So now I need to end this post with something good. So with in this past four years I have made some great friends. I sill talk to some people that I have had to meet when the trial was going on. It’s nice to be able to tell them all the good things and all the bad things. I get to be me!!

Good things

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Oh my, I have so many good things to tell you all. I don’t even know where to start. I don’t think I have every had this many good things to talk about. First of all, my car is PAYED OFF. I’m so happy that I got it payed off three months early. Yes three months early, I just got the letter from them in the mail. I was so happy and still am very happy about this whole thing.

The next thing is that this past week I went out with my group for dinner. This is a big thing, because there are two men in the group. I didn’t think that it would work out. I have been with the group for about two months. I really love it. I’m still very quite in the group. Yet. I am worming up to it.

Another thing, is that I have made my mind up  that I want to look forwards and not back. People from the past have started to call me and I don’t feel it would be good for me to look back.

Next in line is that I got to go up to see mom and dad a lot this year. I love them so very much. Thanks for having me come and go.

One of the last things is that I am learning that I like to read. I did something that I didn’t think was a good thing but I am finding out that it is. I have an account with Audible. I am finding that I like to hear books. it’s something that I would have not ever thought I would say.

Things that I have read are

Remember by Karen Kingsbury

Heaven is for real  by Tod Burpo

Things that I have are

Plugged excerpt by eoin colfer

return by Karen kingbury

Emma by Jane Austen ( I don’t like it so far) But I’m going to try it again

Sunrise by Karen Kingsbury.

I even have samples from IBook I’m finding I like them a lot also.

So I am learning that I can read.

I’m finding out this summer that I really like taking pitchers. This summer I used my I touch to talk pitchers. I have a lot of apps. I have found that I like some for one or two things and others I just don’t use.

I have also been working very hard at EMDR this summer. I think it’s starting to work. Yes it’s working I think.

The last little bit of news is that my nephew has started school. I still can remember being at the air port to pick him up. Now he is starting school. He looks so big now.

moving forward

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Had to do one of the hardest things ever this week. I had to tell my group about the doctor that hurt me so much. It was about the hardest thing, I think it was up there when I had to go to trial. I really have no clue what I said. I know I was unable to talk much after it. The person doctor who runs this group was there and she was a big help with me. My whole body was shaking, my hands were in fists  the whole thing was so very hard.

Yet, I got it all out I think, The doctor told me what I had said. So that was a good thing that she could tell me what went on. Again EMDR is one of the hardest things to work with and through. I am so glad that she has the group that I can go to and she is in the group with us. So that is a God sent for me. I am not a very out going person about this whole thing. And Having a doctor that knows that I’m working as hard as I can to move all of this stuff through my brain is very nice.

Today is a day that I think EMDR is working

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I have been thinking about all the different doctors that I go and see. Really it’s not that many people, it just looks like I see a lot of people. So Why did I think EMDR is working. Well I’m getting better with having people around me. I can look back to where I was two or three years ago and say Man I have come a long way from where I have started. The road was hard but I have come a long way.

On the other hand I look the other way and I say man I have a long way to go. I still can’t see the light at the end of all of this. Yet, people around me are saying that it’s something. So today as I sit here having not a good morning but a day.

I can say that EMDR is working and PTSD is getting better. I do jump still. But I have a way to work through it. There is a part of me that jump and keep moving and there are still parts of me that jump and still want to stay still. I just keep telling myself that I will be Ok and keep moving. Don’t get me wrong I still have a hard time with it but I am moving through it. I just wish it would be better faster, oh and the more I try and make myself move faster through this whole thing of EMDR and PTSD my body just makes it go slower and I don’t move at all. So one’s again the body tells me what and how fast I can make it move.

 

having a hard day

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Hi all, as you guys know I have good days and I have not so good days. Well I’m sorry to say this day was not the greats. I was hard because I had EMDR today and that always makes it hard. I also was going to get a whole bunch of movies today but I put holds on them at the wrong place. Grrrrr.

I think I will have a better day tomorrow. Oh and if you could I am looking for some good self talk. I found an App for good self talk. So, I’m looking for some good ones.

Where has Mary been this week

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Hi all, This past week has been a very good week all in all. I got to see mom and dad last sunday and it was a lot of fun. Just to be able to spend time with my family. I did not go up north because that had to come down to the city for their own appointments. All of their appointments well this last week so that was good. Mom had one that I know was for after her surgery. They did not stay in town for very long. I think they came in on Sunday and left on Tuesday.

I had to work on Tuesday, I took off Monday thinking I was not going to be in town but now I just had a day off. I think it was nice to have it off. I love my b-friend but he was very much hanging on to me all weekend. I get that way also. Yet, right now that we don’t get to see each other every weekend anymore it’s hard on both of use.

So back to Tuesday I had work and it was not fun, something was just off. I don’t know why but it was just not right. I also had my EMDR to go to in the afternoon. It was a good appointment. As I have said many times in my podcast is that EMDR is something that some times I don’t want to go to deep with it for that day but for some resone I always go to the places that I don’t want to.  It’s good because I’m getting all the bad things out but it’s hard

Wednesday is was a day that I had to go to P T. I got to use a new thing and it was very nice to just sit and relax. Something I don’t get to do. But now as my back is moving on in days it is starting to hurt even more. The P T would like me to see her helper person. I said Ok but what would this person me doing? and Who is the person? She said it was a male and my heart started to jump and the PTSD kicked in right away. I told her that I would try to would there be someone in the room with him. And the door would be open right? Some one would keep an eye out? She said that he might just work on my legs. You see my P T is an older person. and she doesn’t have the strength to push and stretch out my legs like the other person did,

Work was kind of busy on Wednesday. If I can remember it was just a day that all the work come in and week got it done but I left feeling off. You know how some times you get that way.

Thursday Was a good day. I had a hard time getting to work. I have been having dizzy spells and I don’t know why. I didn’t get to work on time I think I was about an hour late but it’s not like me. I wish I could get to work on time all the time. We also had some big storms come through. I didn’t have anything I had to do right  away but I did change when I got my hair cut. I changed it to Thursday because I know I was not going to be able to get it done on Saturday. So it was $38 to get my hair trimmed. She also said to me that she was going to be changed her rates to $40. I think I will be change places that I get my hair cut. That is like a whole co-pay for me.

Friday came and I had to see the work coach and that was hard If you list to my podcast you will know what I mean by that. I need to get some more help. Or other help.

So that is where I have been in the last week.  Around and about.