Category Archives: doctor

It’s been 5 years

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At the beginning of trying to move forward, I told myself that if I could write a letter to the Doctor that hurt me. I would know that I have been able to process the whole thing. It would be even better if I could use his name in the letter. Well it’s been 5 years cents I stopped the abuse. It’s been 4 years that I spoke for all the other people that he hurt that could not speak up for them selfs for one reason or another.

I have only been able to come up with this.

Dear Dr,

I have to tell you that you have hurt me so much and you have changed my life forever. I will never for give you for what you have done to me and my family. I have gotten to the point were I am able to say that. . .

After this point I just can’t write any more. I start to cry and feel like he is still abusing me. Maybe I will be able to write more next year.

GOOD POINTS

All the EMDR that I do every week is starting to work.

I am able to write a bit more then I could last year.

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Four years ago

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It’s been a hard day, I have a big thing that will be coming up on Sunday. It will be four years that I took the stand to tell my side of the story on how a doctor hurt me.  I really thought I would be better then I am now. It’s been four very long and hard years to get myself to were I am. Yet, I feel like because who I am, I should be past feeling sorry for myself. The feelings have been all over the place today and I can just see myself on Sunday being feeling like I didn’t do all that I could do. I am hoping that it will be nice out because I would like to take a walk around a lake.

There is a part of me, that still blames me for not telling my story so that 12 people could take away the license from this  doctor. I know that I did my part to helping others for a year. However, what is he doing now. He has his license again and who is he hurting right now.

I have been working so hard In EMDR for the past years and it’s very hard to sit here and hear that I have come so far. I still have to keep telling myself to say thank you even when i don’t believe it. I really think that with out EMDR I would still be in the same spot were I was right after the trial. I know I still need to work on my self confidence. I think that will be one of the things that I’m going to work on this coming up year.

Oh yes, there is a bit more bad news in the world of me. One of my Doctors is going to be retiring, so that is just one more thing that I need to work on is finding a new doctor.

So now I need to end this post with something good. So with in this past four years I have made some great friends. I sill talk to some people that I have had to meet when the trial was going on. It’s nice to be able to tell them all the good things and all the bad things. I get to be me!!

Just a thought that has been on my mind

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Life has so many paths on it, and how are you to know what one is the right one. I hope I pick the right path, but what if the path that I pick is wrong. How do you go back and change what you have done. Can you go back to the spot and change  your mind? Some one told me that your life is always going to have a “Y” in the road. You are always going to pick from two things and what you pick is going to help you or harm you. it will make your life’s path better or not.  No one can be on the same path with you. Yes they can be walking with you for a time. Yet, your path is going to move or their path is going to change the “Y” in their path is going to come up and they are going to need to pick for them self what way they go.

I was adopted and my mom and dad helped me grow up. There path was my path. They gave me tools to help me on my own path. I learned to walk and talk and I went to school. So I am now making a small path of my own. As I grown up and now I have made a path of my own, yet they are still right there to help me make good and not so good decisions . I am learning to start doing things for my self, yet they still have me close to them, it’s the way of life. I can’t just go off and live on my own when I’m 15 years old. So some of the decisions  or the “Y” is my life are still made for me.

Now, when I moved out of my parents house that was my decision my own “Y”, I was now moving into my  own path. I was now on my own. I was going to make all my own decisions or I was going to make the right or wrong decision. All of the “Y’s” in my life were going to be on me. I hope that I got all the learning that my parents gave me when I was still on their path.

I found out that my path was not going to be anything that I was thinking it was going to be. There has been a lot of “Y’s” on this path of life that I really didn’t think I was going to have to do. Some of them are very good “Y’s” Like getting up to see my family in the summer. Going to see my sis and her family. All of these things are “Y’s” in my life. Some of the “Y’s” in my life have been hard to deal with. All of the Doctors that I see is something I do for me and my disability. So right there is about 5 or 6 “Y’s” in my life. I could say no I don’t need to see all the doctors and I’m not going to put my health in the front. But I do, put myself or my health in the front and every time I said yes or choics is another “Y” in my path.

The type of person that I am or the kind of person that my path has made me look down the path to plan. Lots of people don’t have to look down their path of life. However I have learned that I need to see the next “Y” on my path to be able to make a choice. these choices  that almost all people are just like a flip of a coin. In my life I can do that but I might be paying for it later, and knowing that sometimes is a good thing. Yet, on the other had It might not be something I am willing to pay for and so I don’t choose to go down they “Y’s”

Not being able to be in control of my “Y’s” is very hard and it’s almost like you are not having any say in your life. For example:

I can say that having to do the life altering thing in my life was the biggest “Y” that I have had to do in my adult life. Not being able to say what I needed to say at the trial was a “Y” that I didn’t have much say in. I really wanted to say the things in my own way but I could not. So having the “Y” taken away from me was a very hard time. And even now when I have to face some of the “Y’s” from that time in my life are hard and I don’t want to have to go down that path again. Yet, now I have another person to help me go down that “Y” with me  like a friend, family member, a love one, or a doctor. They can help me, like when I was little and my parents help me make my path.

What I am trying to say is that my path is my own. I have to make my own choices. I have to go down my path with what I know and what I believe. I am the only one that can go down my path. Like I said before there are people in your life that will aways be around and their path will come and go and that’s OK. Yet, at the end of the day your path is yours and you make it what you want it to be.

I’m going back to “normal”

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I have to say that I’m going to be back to “normal” for me at least. Next week I will be able to get to the pool again. I know this is what my body needs for the change of the weather. So it will be so good, to get back to just being one with my self.

I would like to take time and tell you and myself all the good things that I have been doing. So are small things and some are big things.

1 I went to a new doctor this past friday.

2 I’m learning more and more about BIC

3 I can stil stand up for my self when people talk badly about my family

4 I have been able to keep all appointments for the last month

5 I started to go to a group that.

6 I went out to dinner with them after group

7 I have been working hard to get to work more and more

8 I have been still going to church down town

9 I am blogging again.

10 I have been able to keep going when there is change around me

So I could keep going, on about what I have been doing. It just has been time to look back and see what I have been doing good at. I know I am a person that likes to look at the bad things but really with out bad things then there is no good things.

So you might be thinking what is normal for Mary? Well really it’s more like doing the things that I know I need to do for me. Yes I understand that all the things that I do are important to my health but I have not been to the pool in a very long time. I hope that they are still around.

Other things that make my life normal is that I don’t feel like I’m making waves. This is a hard thing for me. I’m working on it, I have found that I am not showing how hard things are going but when I can’t take it anymore, you don’t want to be on the other side of me. I just let it all out, and you might not have even done anything wrong.

The best thing of normal I will never get back and I’m learning that. If I could go back in time it would have been to the year 1998. It was the year that my family moved for the last time as a family of 4. My life was so much different then it is now. Yes there would have been no great Boy friend or going up to the cabin or any bank job.

This is the hard thing and it would have been do you go back to that time when life was so good or do you go to today when so much has changed. A doctor who hurt me in so many ways. Having a reaction to a drug that was so bad that life was stopped and taken away from me. Having to see so many doctors. Learning that my disability is much bigger then I thought it was going to be.

So there are days that normal is easy to define but there are days were normal is very hard to define. This is problely the same thing that everyone goes through in their life.

moving forward

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Had to do one of the hardest things ever this week. I had to tell my group about the doctor that hurt me so much. It was about the hardest thing, I think it was up there when I had to go to trial. I really have no clue what I said. I know I was unable to talk much after it. The person doctor who runs this group was there and she was a big help with me. My whole body was shaking, my hands were in fists  the whole thing was so very hard.

Yet, I got it all out I think, The doctor told me what I had said. So that was a good thing that she could tell me what went on. Again EMDR is one of the hardest things to work with and through. I am so glad that she has the group that I can go to and she is in the group with us. So that is a God sent for me. I am not a very out going person about this whole thing. And Having a doctor that knows that I’m working as hard as I can to move all of this stuff through my brain is very nice.

Today is a day that I think EMDR is working

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I have been thinking about all the different doctors that I go and see. Really it’s not that many people, it just looks like I see a lot of people. So Why did I think EMDR is working. Well I’m getting better with having people around me. I can look back to where I was two or three years ago and say Man I have come a long way from where I have started. The road was hard but I have come a long way.

On the other hand I look the other way and I say man I have a long way to go. I still can’t see the light at the end of all of this. Yet, people around me are saying that it’s something. So today as I sit here having not a good morning but a day.

I can say that EMDR is working and PTSD is getting better. I do jump still. But I have a way to work through it. There is a part of me that jump and keep moving and there are still parts of me that jump and still want to stay still. I just keep telling myself that I will be Ok and keep moving. Don’t get me wrong I still have a hard time with it but I am moving through it. I just wish it would be better faster, oh and the more I try and make myself move faster through this whole thing of EMDR and PTSD my body just makes it go slower and I don’t move at all. So one’s again the body tells me what and how fast I can make it move.

 

Yes I have a disability, Don’t start saying everything is because of it

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I had a hard time last week talking to the work coach and we were talking about my life at work. I’m getting ready to learn some new things and I’m trying to leave an open mind about it. However, the one person that I don’t have to keep a good face on should be the work coach, right? Well that is not what happened. She said that because, I was so worried about learning this new thing. That the anxiety was getting the better of me and “anxiety” is my disability. The only thing I could think of this no it’s a part of it. I have C P as my disability however don’t start saying that everything is because of my disability. Some of what I have is just life and I know it, I get it but you should be here to help me be the best person at work that I can be.

So anything that I said was taken in a way that I felt that she was and did keep saying it’s the anxiety your disability. By the end of the hour I was stiff and mad. She did not even see that I was in pain. I had told her about the pain and how it was hurting my work. I’m having pain in both legs and it’s just there. I have called all the doctors about it and they all say the same thing. However, I thought she should know about this. So back to us leaving she did not see or look at me and my face of pain.

Something is telling me that I’m glad that she didn’t see me because she would have said oh that is just your disability.

I have to say in this post that yes I have a disability but it has only been a bit that I have been able to say I have cerebral Palsy and really believe that I have it. I’m still learning how to understand what that means to me and how I live my life. I am still learning all the things that I can do and all the things that I just have to do in a different way. I will always get the job done in one way or another it’s just how am I going to do it.

So as life keeps going on I will still be a person in learning. Yet, please don’t say it’s because you have a disability. It’s a part of me it’s not all of me. I know I have to learn things about the disability,, the Cerebral Palsy. So if you can help that would be great. Oh yes, you all are great for reading about the up’s and down’s of a person that is just trying to live in the world of today.