Thinking back

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Ok I have to say that I think I found something out and the thing is that I did not believe what was going on the first year after the trial. I just put a good face on and I just went with it. I don’t even know if I was me around my family, friends or my boyfriend. The first year was just me trying to understand what just happened. It was a lot of how can I have gone through what I just went through. Life had changed for the worries because I told the truth and I’m not getting anything back from it. I lose a doctor and I called him out on something big. Yet, I’m still in pain and no one can help. The biggest thing was I was trying to keep this doctor from hurting other people, and now know one knows what this doctor can do to others, because he got is lisents back

So life goes on and year two happens. At this time I am still saying to myself “I’m the one that lost more than a doctor. I lost a person that can help me and put me back together. I am starting to shift the way I think about the whole thing. I start to put things that I am seeing him all over the place. I feel like he is always looking at me. He is around me 24/7. There is no way to make the feeling go away. I still think that I’m the one that coste him to do this very bad thing to me. One of the big questions that I still ask my self is why me? What did I do to make him do what he did to me. So yes,  year two was a lot of blaming myself. I still do and I might always do a bit of that. I think I’m past the whole thing of keeping him away from other people. This hurts me a lot because again know one will know about what he did to me.

So on Saterday will be 3 years sents I stoped him from hurting me. I hope I feel something a bit better then when the two year mark came and went on May 26th. I will keep working hard on this whole thing of what the doctor did to me. Some of the things that will help me get through or past this thing will be when I can say his name. Another thing will be when I can say what he did to me. I’m still working hard on the whole writing him to ask why.

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