The next few days are going to be some of the hardest days. It was this time two-years ago that a Doctor was not found guilty. A man who hurt me and might be hurting other people and there’s nothing I can do. I still think about it a lot. I am getting help with it, every week I see some one to help me work through the hurt that he did to me. As he is still a doctor now and can still see people. I still live the pain of what happened. It hurts me more and more knowing that he is out there. But I am not being hurt from him. I am trying very hard to move on.
I will never forget the week of the trlal. I will never forget how I was feeling, how I could not look at anything. I still remember how hard it was for my family and friends to see me have to go through the pain of having to say the things over and over again.
Yet, now I feel that other people think I need to have moved on from this. I feel like people don’t want to talk about it any more. I feel like people think that my life should be back to normal. I would love for the hurt and the pain to be gone. I would love to be just be again. However, I’m not past all the hurt, all the crying, and the blaming of myself. And yes, it’s been two-years. Life for me has changed but at the same time life is still the same. Or, you might even say that life has gotten harder for me.
I had to talk about how much I can’t put on one of those doctors gowns on with out crying. The person that I was talking to was telling me that I would be able to do that if I really needed to. She did not believe me at all. It only took about two mins and I was in tears. And I could not stop crying. I felt that I could not move. She had to see what it has done to me before she got it. The pain is so great that it’s hard to talk about it in first person. If I can talk about it not in first person then I do better. But it still hurts more and more.
A very smart person told me that the only way to get through the hurt is to not run away from it. I need to head it on. I need to face it, I’m thinking that I am doing just that. But I have been trying to face it for two years and it feels like I’m not getting any where with it. The hurt just keeps changeing. So just about when I think I’m getting it and I feel like I’m moveing forword. The hurt comes up in another way.
To try and get past this long and dark days of this year I’m going to go and see mom and dad and take the trip to the cabin for the first time in 2011. I even think that I started my podcast in 2008 at the cabin. I love getting up there. I can just be me with out having to try and be someone that I’m not. I can take time and think if I would like or I don’t have to.
But it’s late now and I need to get in bed so I can get up in the morning and go to work.
Thank you all for reading my little blog. I would love to hear what you think about my blog?