can I just be me?

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I have been working so hard to do so many things I just feel like I have not had the time to just be me. Well, wait, I was me for a very little bit. I got to go to get gifts for my “mom’s” in my life last weekend. I also took a lot of pitchers that I was very happy about. The place was just on the other side of the street. I did tell them that I would love to find out some info but I really like to take pitchers. I got the things that I needed but I asked and got some great pix. I’m hoping to put some in a slide show some day. However, I did have fun. It was a very nice day out I needed to get out of the house and I just needed to be doing something that I love. Takeing pitchers, nothing big or anything but I find it to help me.

I also find that I have not been me in a way that only I know. I have been very mad. I don’t know why but I have been mad at myself. I am coming up on a day that changed my life forever. Know one gets it, know one understands the pain that I still carry with me. I feel like I can’t get away from the feeling that I let some doctor get to me in a way that know parent would want there child in. I feel like I just can’t put him away. I can’t let go of him. He is taking my dreams away from me. The pain that he has given me is so much bigger then I would have ever thought. I’m so up set about the whole thing.

It all started in 2006 and in paper it ended in 2008. However in my mind it is still happening. Every day you go and take a smile out and put it on, just trying to get through the day. I think that if I knew that the pain was just mine pain it would be Ok. But it’s not just that, this pain has my whole family. I didn’t ask for it. Yet, I still feel like I am.

What cross has God-given me again, or is it still. What should I do? how should I act? Who should I trust? How do I move? I am scared and I am worried that things are not going to work out. So where do I go?

all I ask is can I just have my own life back and can I just be me again?

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2 responses »

  1. Since reading your blog yesterday, I have been mulling over some thoughts I have on the topic of “getting through”. You’ve inspired me to write an essay on that topic that I’ll post on hubpages.com as soon as I get it done, but if you remember my lack of speed in getting out the SSS Newsletter, I thought I’d better list my thoughts personally to you now!
    Each person has his or her own way of coping with trauma. For me, I cope best with words. When I was walking through the very dark place of my husband divorcing me, I searched out any words from any book or any person until I found the exact combination of ideas that worked for me. I offer these in the hope that one or several of them will have meaning for you. (In my essay, I plan on writing why each one struck me at a place that soothed me, but for now, I’ll just offer them as a list. Some might sound familiar to you since I had them plastered all over the walls of my office in Student Support Services!)
    The quote that I clung to most during that most traumatic time of my life were words that Neitzche said: “He who has a ‘why’ to his existence can bear with almost any ‘how’.” The ‘why’ can be anything that’s meaningful to you. For some, like the people in “Mothers Against Drunk Drivers,” it’s a positive cause directly related to their trauma; for others it’s an expression of their feellings in music, or art, or writing; for me it was my daughter. I wanted to be “well” for her, and she became my ‘why’ during that time. People always say you need to do it for yourself, but sometimes, that’s not possible. I even think it’s possible to devote your ‘why’ to a person you may meet in the future.
    The author of “Little Women,” Lousia Mae Alcott, must have had obstacles to overcome because she wrote two meaningful quotes that reflect struggle: “I’m not afraid of storms, for I’m learning to sail my ship,” and “Life breaks everyone, and many are strong in the broken places.”

    You are a vibrant, fun-loving, intelligent young woman who gives a great deal to the world. Every time you walked into that SSS office, you uplifted my spirits. You are open-hearted and accepting, and that is very rare. There will be a time, Mary, when you have walked out of the tunnel. You might not even make note of it because healing comes gradually. But one day, you’ll stop and suddenly say to yourself, “I didn’t cry once today.” The secret is to work at making your life so wonderful that the past or other people’s past injustices to you really don’t matter. Find the “why” to your existence, know that you’re learning to sail your ship, and become strong in the broken places.
    Love,
    Billie

  2. Billie

    thank you for reading my blog. Thank you for the good things that you have said also. I will find the ‘why”, or try to find the “why”

    For me to hear something of great from your the one and only person that I could let my wall down with my spelling problems and reading problems see. Well, this means a lot to me.

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