I have been working so hard to do so many things I just feel like I have not had the time to just be me. Well, wait, I was me for a very little bit. I got to go to get gifts for my “mom’s” in my life last weekend. I also took a lot of pitchers that I was very happy about. The place was just on the other side of the street. I did tell them that I would love to find out some info but I really like to take pitchers. I got the things that I needed but I asked and got some great pix. I’m hoping to put some in a slide show some day. However, I did have fun. It was a very nice day out I needed to get out of the house and I just needed to be doing something that I love. Takeing pitchers, nothing big or anything but I find it to help me.
I also find that I have not been me in a way that only I know. I have been very mad. I don’t know why but I have been mad at myself. I am coming up on a day that changed my life forever. Know one gets it, know one understands the pain that I still carry with me. I feel like I can’t get away from the feeling that I let some doctor get to me in a way that know parent would want there child in. I feel like I just can’t put him away. I can’t let go of him. He is taking my dreams away from me. The pain that he has given me is so much bigger then I would have ever thought. I’m so up set about the whole thing.
It all started in 2006 and in paper it ended in 2008. However in my mind it is still happening. Every day you go and take a smile out and put it on, just trying to get through the day. I think that if I knew that the pain was just mine pain it would be Ok. But it’s not just that, this pain has my whole family. I didn’t ask for it. Yet, I still feel like I am.
What cross has God-given me again, or is it still. What should I do? how should I act? Who should I trust? How do I move? I am scared and I am worried that things are not going to work out. So where do I go?
all I ask is can I just have my own life back and can I just be me again?