What if I don’t ever get married is that bad?

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I am writing this post to try to work out something. I love my boyfriend so much but I just don’t see him ever asking me to married him. I know that we make a great team together, or I try to make us a great team together but what would my family think of me? Would I be letting them down if I didn’t have a big wedding? On the other hand it’s my life. There is a big thing also that I have is that I don’t want to look like I am just living off of my boy friend because I have a disability. I don’t know why that is playing a fact in this but it is. I have to look at my life very different then I did ten years ago. I am not the same person. I can’t do some of the things that I would have loved to do. I don’t know if I have given up on myself or what but I know that I am not the same person any more. Before I can add a person into my life for ever I need to find the Mary that I am happy with. I need to find the person that can do anything on her own again. I need to find the person that likes the life with a face of happy. I need to find the person that is Ok in her own skin.

So This post is for me. It’s for me to tell people who I love. That I need to first find that I love myself and I would love to get married one day but if I don’t will I be looked down on. Kind of like the blak sheep?

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4 responses »

  1. Hi Mary,

    Where you are now is where I was about a year or two ago. It’s really a sticky situation to be in. For nine years I dated the same guy, whom I loved dearly, but with whom I very rarely talked about getting married. I could never tell if or when he would ever want to get married, and after too many years of not knowing, I ended the relationship. We had a lot of communication problems (I can talk to you about that more privately over AIM, if you want), but it came down to: I just didn’t know how things would ever resolve themselves, if it would. Like you, I was living with the boyfriend for financial reasons; I had lived by myself for a number of years, but putting myself through college drained my resources at the end, and I needed a place to live; C. (the boyfriend) took me in. What I should have done is given us a timeframe, say a year or two: If we didn’t decide to get married by that point (or at least have a very specific, concrete plan), it would be time to go our separate ways.

    (I should add that I was never someone who had strong feelings about getting married. I thought marriage was a great thing, if that was what one wanted, but I hadn’t spent my life dreaming of that day. But things finally got to the point where I realized I was emotionally and mentally ready for marriage, and I simply had no idea where C. was, mentally or emotionally.)

    Getting married is neither better nor worse than remaining single. I know folks who are delighted to be married, who felt called to be married and perhaps have a family – and those who aren’t especially inclined to get married and/or have a family. Not one of these options is better or worse! The question is: What do YOU want? Do you want to get married? Can you talk to your boyfriend about this?

    I waited too long to talk to C. I see now how I should have handled so many things better. (Although I also never felt I wanted to marry C.; I never quite thought he was the right person, although I loved him.)

    One of the big things you’ll have to come to terms is that whatever you decide for yourself, it’s okay if your family doesn’t like that decision. I don’t know how traditional or conservative your family is, but I suspect many parents wish for their children to marry so that they’ll have someone to love them and take care of them after the parents are gone.

    It took me a lot of time to work through what you’ll have to work through, but if you need to chatter, you know you can e-mail me or find me on AIM (as MSAllentown).

    –Michelle

    • Michelle

      It was great to see that you had commented to this post. I do have so much to ask of you. Here is not the place or the time.

      However I really loved your comment because it was so much what I feel like right now. But the big thing is that the boy friend and I have been through so much together. I don’t know what I would have done with out him. trial, people who have dieth and other things.

      Last lee I know I could do it on my own but I start to think of all the things that I have now that I would not be able to have.
      I think I’m going to leave it up to me just e-mailing you.

  2. Mary, you have to do what you feel is right for YOU. If you want to (and feel that marriage is the right thing for you), then it’s good to have that talk with D. and see if he’s on the same page. If he’s not, then it’s time to think about moving on.

    But if you’re perfectly content in the relationship as it is, and don’t need a big ceremony to prove that you are committed to one another, then you shouldn’t feel obligated to do that in order to appease everyone else.

  3. Eunice

    I do think of Marriage a lot but there are times that I would not do anything of the sort. I feel like I am in a place of un known. Well at least that is what I am feeling. I know that I love him very much. We have talked about it and things but now he feels that my family is always asking me why I don’t get married. What is wrong with him is what dad just asked last night.

    Again any time we talk about it he will not say anything. He thinks that it’s my family talking. I understand that he is not doing what he would like. I’m not even doing what I would like.

    I love him. We have been through so much together and I don’t even know what I would do with out him.

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