Happy May day

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I don’t know about you but for myself May is the time that summer is here. School is almost over and life can start. Well. that is what I thought when I was still going to school. Now it just brings back some bad memories. If I can just get past this month I will be doing good. Yes Mom has her b-day, this year she is going to be 6?. Don’t worry mom I will not tell. Mothers day is this month also. I know that it is a mom kind of month. However I have a part of May that I will never like again. My family was with me when I took the stand and I am happy they were there. The b-friend was with my mom all week-long when I could not be there with her. I was trying so hard to move on with my life. Yes I was doing all the right movements of trying to move on. But I still was at the trial in my mind. I could not get past what I didn’t say.

I’m trying not to think of it all the time but I am. I just can’t get it out of my mind. The man who changed my life will never come out. You would think that after a year I would have learned how to deal right? Well I’m not dealing, I’m not dealing at all. I am showing a great front on the whole thing. I’m doing a very good job with all of this stuff. But on the in side it’s not going so well. I wish I could say that I’m doing the best a year later. I wish I could say that my relationship’s with people are the same. I can’t say that, because if I did I would be not telling the truth. I wish I could tell you that I’m not looking over my shoulder any more. I’m very sorry I can’t do that, because I am always looking over my shoulder. I would love to tell you that I truest the doctors and all the people who had to become involved but I can’t say I truest.  And really I don’t truest very many people at all. A hand full of people are like the only people who I really truest. I think that if you were to walk in my shoes for a week or two you might be able to find out who I truest and who I don’t. It’s not just people it’s words that hurt me. It’s looks that I see that hurt me. I feel like my life is some what in the same spot.

Now I have to say that I have been able to move on a little bit, not that much. I have been working very hard to move to were I am today, and that makes me a little happy. I have had to change the way I see the world. I have had to change doctors and get new ones. I think the biggest thing was that I had to get a new work coach in the past year. And that is the hardest thing. If I could have kept my work coach that I had I would have kept going to the doctor that hurt me.  That is how much I really felt like I was getting over other things in my life. There are things that will never be said again that I was able to tell her. I will not speack of anything that I talked to her about. Yes it might be in notes some where but what I talk about with my work coach really dosn’t move very far from me to her, or Jane. I know that some things that I was able to tell the work coach was in a safe place. I new that if it needed to be said to others it did get said. But to feel that safe with a person can never happen again.

There are good things that I have been able to get back to. Doing just this is something that was taken away from me. I can speeck with not worrying about others to say no I would not say that. I can say the truth and know it is the truth.

Oh yes I have to say I took that pitcher on the top of this post. I still love to take pitchers of things. it’s fun and it’s a new outlet for me. I have not picked up my cross stich for a long time. I can’t say I will do it again or not. But I can say that I do love pitchers

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